Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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