Ketchup is God's man juice
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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