you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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