It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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