My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Randomize
