I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
