I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
