Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
