You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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