areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
