god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
