Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
How's work?
Spinning.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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