the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
everyone is single if you try hard enough
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
