i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
