Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
