I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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