god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
