p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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