I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
