I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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