Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
