I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
