I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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