It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
