in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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