You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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