Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
