Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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