I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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