haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
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