My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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