and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
