i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
