I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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