I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
