Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
