if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
