I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
