Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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