Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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