Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
