seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
