i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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