New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
