I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
