life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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