You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
