and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
