I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
