So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
