But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
