I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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