blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i dont even know how to be here
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
The air taste purple.
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