i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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