Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
